Tomorrow our we will have our first indication of whether our treatment is heading in a positive direction. The reality that this is ‘IT’ feels quite heavy on both of us. I have waited until now to write anything for a variety of reasons. Partly, ongoing expression of emotions is not really my style, I am not particularly knee jerk but naturally process emotions until I can grasp how I’m feeling. I know Charly finds this frustrating but it is probably a process I have learnt through my own battles around mental health. Maybe a way of protecting myself from the extreme ends of emotions and trying to keep a bit more of an even keel. I am very ‘heart on my sleeve’ in the heat of the moment, as anyone who plays any sport with me will testify. I set high standards for myself and am probably my own worst critic.
However, one of the best bits of advice I was given when I was struggling with my own mental health a few years ago was around controlling the controllable. If I can’t change or control a particular thing that is causing me distress, then why let it control me? The only thing we can ACTUALLY control is the here and now then the next moment and so on.
The next element to the silence has been around my faith. I hate organised religion, I honestly think it causes more harm than good. But that is because the church is full of humans making human mistakes. That said, I truly believe there is a God who loves me, us and you! I became a Christian in Australia and had a ‘moment’ with God where I was fundamentally changed in an instance. No one can change that, no one can explain that to me or convince me otherwise. That is the foundation that I build my life on and if you read this and are not a Christian, I would love to share my story with you.
Finally; on the silence front there is the most important word of all. Grace. After a tough 12 months a few years ago where I feel like I let my wife, friends, family and my faith down with some poor decisions and a bit of self destruction…I learned the hard way what grace means. Grace from God that he never stops loving me, and more importantly, the outpouring of grace and love from all the above when I least deserved it.
This feels like a large tangent but here are the elements to my silence. A learned behaviour of process before reaction, a worst critic of myself when my own standards drop below a level, learning to control what I can control, knowing that God is good and loves me regardless of how I feel about myself and finally a thankfulness that my wife is one of the most loving, caring, kind and brilliant people I know. And I am lucky enough to call her my wife.
My IVF journey
It is impossible to read this without knowing the above and reading it with that content and filter in mind. Knowing that, for now, it is potentially ‘my’ problems around sperm morphology that is stopping us from having a family. Stopping my wife from having the family she has dreamed and craved for since we first met. Watching her spirit and soul being crushed bit by bit as our journey has dealt blow after blow, bad luck after bad luck. With my own personal high standards and being my own worst critic, it has taken a lot of strength and patience with myself to not go down the route of beating myself up. I hate the word infertility, I am not infertile, I am sub fertile and something I wish the language would change around. I am not unable to have children, but maybe my natural morphology may make this journey harder. This has been something I have spent a long time processing and potentially may not be able to rest on until I know the final outcome of our journey. I am unable to open that box of emotions because I am worried about how it will damage my own self worth and blame. The second point may help with understanding why I have also chosen not to go down the route of self blame and guilt.
The picture in church
When we were early on in our journey, early on after we had our first set of test results back. It became clear IVF was a likely route for us. I was praying this through in church and became quite emotional. I would say I have felt the genuine presence of God’s spirit on a handful of occasions. This is one of them. I saw a picture which I have kept to myself and will continue to do so. Charly does not know this, I think it would be too hard for her to hear for now. In that moment I felt calm and peace, I trust God has got this. However, the longer I have journeyed this, I have begun to understand (perhaps doubt??) that the way God works things for our good is not always how we see them (shout out to my brother for sending me a sermon on this, it changed my perspective at a key time on this journey). My honest emotion is I think we will have children and a family. That is the peace I feel and which has kept me strong and stable throughout. My self defence strategy of process not react has helped with this. If this does not work out and it turns out we aren’t able to have a family, I may read this back with a great deal of hurt and pain and wonder what the moment in church was all about.
I know God works all things for our good in order to bring us closer to him. If this doesn’t work out it is not because of anything we have done, it is not because God doesn’t love us. My prayer is that I am able to walk those truths out ‘even if’ (thanks Sandy!) things don’t work out how we want them to.
Being there for my wife
There is a cruel irony to IVF and that it is fundamentally unfair on women. Unfair if some of the causes of sub fertility may be on their side. I can only imagine how tough that is, having seen my wife struggle as she feels being a mum is such a huge part of her identity as a women.
Next, if it is not from the woman’s side, they still have to suffer from the treatment. I knew this would be hard for Charly, I had no idea how brutal this would be. The injections, tablets, more injections, the surgeries etc etc are relentless. They’ve taken her on a physically draining battle at a time when she is already maxed out. Watching her having to tackle her day to day life whilst carrying all this has been tough to watch. Again, it is hard not to fall into blaming yourself. Instead I have tried my best to control what I can control. To do my best by her. To support her to my best of my abilities. I know I have fallen way short of this and I’m sure she could give you an extensive list of times when that is true!! All I can honestly say is I have tried my best and apologise when I have come up short.
One bit of advice to my fellow men trying to navigate the minefield is to understand there is times when this is impossible. There are times when you cannot win. And actually looking after yourself is just as key, set aside time for yourself, keep your own mental health strong, surround yourself with good people who love you and know you well. Trust them to tell you when you need to step up or when you are doing the right thing. I look forward to when Charly reads this, as I am sure she will be mad!! (sorry dear!). But sometimes there is no more you can give and your actions will upset your partner when it appears like you are being selfish. This is not an excuse to actually be selfish but an encouragement to keep yourself healthy. She needs you to be her rock and you can’t do that if you aren’t solid in yourself!
A reflection
So as we go forward into the business end, I reflect upon the journey to get us here. The NHS is both brilliant and fundamentally flawed. Do not be scared to fight your corner, do not be scared to badger people to make sure they have done what they say. Do not expect people to do what they said they have done.
That said, we have encountered some amazing people on the journey. From our local female GP who was incredible. Through to a heart consultant who went above and beyond to help us when he did not need to do so. To any healthcare professionals, you are amazing, I know how stretched and under valued you are. Please don’t forget what impact you have, but also please don’t forget every form is someone’s life, every phone call is a story that you don’t know.
Expect the worst and hope for the best. If you are reading this and starting your journey. Be encouraged you will get to where you need to be for your treatment. The system will eventually get you there, but it will take longer than you think. I know that isn’t encouraging but one of the hardest things we have walked through is being told one thing and then it being delayed etc. Expect the worst deadlines and celebrate the wins when they come earlier.
Men – find people to talk to. I think I found that hard, because IVF isn’t talked about openly you have no idea how many people have been through it. I hope I can be a small ripple on that front, I am only ever a message away! Thank you to my cousin who has been through his own journey and hurt, speaking to you both changed our dynamic. Thank you for being willing to share you pain and encouraging me everything will be OK!
Support network – linked to this, having a support network around you is invaluable. Thank you to our friends from church both now and in Crewe. A special mention to the Krixnells, thank you for your love and care for Charly. Your loyalty to her is something I will always remember. Thank you to our friends in general, work colleagues and others who have journeyed along side us. Both our schools have been so incredible with support and I cannot stress how thankful we are for that. Any SLT school people, please support your staff going through IVF. The journey is savage and it is hard to emotionally support children when you are physically and emotionally drained yourself.
Thank you to our family, close and extended, your kindness, prayer, support and love is something I can’t express.
Looking back and looking forward to the next step!
Looking back and reflecting upon how many times God has delivered us through some of the harder moments encourages me that we should approach this next phase with excitement and anticipation. This is indeed ‘IT’ but it may well just be the start of the beginning not the beginning of the end. I hope that when you read this, we are filled with joy and not with heartbreak. I am sorry that it has been a wall of silence but I hope you can now understand why and have a brief glimpse into the world of IVF from male perspective. To any males, please, please reach out if you want to talk or have any questions.
To my wife, you are stronger than you ever know, I am incredibly proud of you and I hope more than anything we have the family you dream of. Please know that we will continue to journey this together, no matter what the next few months bring. From our wedding and the last words which have kept me going.
Romans 5:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Feb 17th 2021
I don’t want to write too much but this is the first time I have read back what I wrote back in November. It was a tough read but also pretty amazing. After it failed, we really wanted to share our story because there is so little about failed amongst the (what feels like) endless positive IVF videos on Instagram. We had every intention of sharing once the initial hurt and pain had settled down. ‘Sadly’ in the most ironic and non-sad way, getting pregnant meant we didn’t want to share that knowing we had a baby growing. Sympathy was never the motivation, more awareness and a willingness to open up a conversation about something that isn’t talked about.
If you are reading this, I cannot blame you for thinking ‘well it’s fine for you now, you’ve got a baby growing’ and I genuinely get it and won’t try to change that view. We’ve been there and just want to know our thoughts, love and prayers are with you. Please reach out if it will help.
It doesn’t take away the hurt, or some of the low moments but we are so thankful that our story has been blessed with a positive turn for now. We know how fragile pregnancy is and we are scared to share in case our story has another cruel twist. For now we trust this is our time and carefully plot our way scan to scan. Seeing our baby’s heartbeat for the first time was one of the most amazing and emotional moments of my life.
Thank you to our friends who have journeyed this with us. We couldn’t have done this without our family, friends and church. We love you all and hope one day you will get to meet our little baby and rejoice in quite an incredible story!!
Journeying to Family 