Thank you Chris Hughes for such a brilliant programme about male fertility / infertility.
Probably the most refreshing programme I have seen in such a long time and it’s SO good to see someone so well-known being so open and public and his concerns of male infertility.
If you haven’t watched it yet, I totally recommend watching this programme. It shows the journey the brothers went on to discover their fertility… or infertility.
***SPOILER ALERT!***HONESTY ALERT!***
It all started when Chris was happy to go on national TV to have his testicles checked which inspired his brother, Ben, to check his for anything usual. This saved his life. Ben found a lump and it turned out he had testicular cancer.
Before he had his testicle removed, he froze some of his sperm to use in the future but he then went on to have a sperm analysis which showed he had 0 sperm count.
This led on to many more tests which in turn, led onto heart-wrenching conversations Ben had to have with the doctors and then with his girlfriend.
My heart absolutely broke watching him tell his girlfriend that he is infertile. Their chances of having a baby naturally would be incredibly slim.
Watching this, knowing that we know our issue could be one of male factor infertility was incredibly painful. I remember when we were having our tests, I was praying and hoping it wouldn’t be Pete who they found an issue with, that it would be me, because to watch my husband receive that news and have to live with him would be horrendous. And it happened.
It is hard because this is the man who you love with everything you have, who you have chosen to be with for the rest of your life and who you dreamt you would have children with. None of that goes away, and there is no blame involved, but suddenly everything changes. The way you look at your fertility as a couple completely does a 180 turn and you find yourselves in very unfamiliar territory.
Definitely a place that wasn’t a part of your dream.
And you know that the place you find yourself in, is going to be a bumpy, long and painful journey to get out of.
So when I watch Ben, Chris Hugh’s brother, telling his beautiful girlfriend of his infertility, my heart was absolutely crushed and it took me straight back to a very dark place. I could see her trying not to fall apart because you need to be strong for your partner, you need to show them that “It’s fine” and that you don’t blame them for this struggle (which for me, there was not a single inch of me that blamed my husband).
However, the most difficult and heart-breaking moment for Ben and his girlfriend came later in the show. And also for me…
Chris decided it was good for him to also have his fertility checked out because he has some issue (I can’t remember the name of it) with his testicles which was a concern.
He had the news that his fertility was intact and that actually he has good fertility! Great news for him, really genuinely great news!
But when he came to tell his family (his parents, Ben and Ben’s girlfriend all together) that he had good news, I could sense the tension. There is a mixed feeling of joy for Chris but devastation for Ben, because he is watching his brother who knows his fertility is great but he knows that for himself, he will never ever receive that news.
For me, this was the most difficult part of the programme. It made me sob and sob and sob. I will be really honest now… I come from a family with great fertility. My mum became pregnant very easily and so did my sister. In fact, during our journey to starting IVF, mid Covid-19 lockdown, my sister became pregnant for the second time. She is my very, very best friend who I love to the moon and back infinite times. We are identical twins; we grew up together and did everything together, hit milestones (almost) together (she was usually ahead of my for everything…)… We even got married only 4 months apart! We have been through a lot of life stages together and probably both of us thought our baby journeys would be similar.
But watching my sister and her husband fall pregnant very easily both times when we are having to struggle and fight and battle our way just towards having a small chance is hard. Not fair in fact, and I know my sister would agree with that also. And when I say it is hard, I mean… devastating, heart-breaking… In the infertility world, we all know that feeling of utter sadness and despair at someone’s pregnancy announcement for ourselves but knowing that somewhere inside, we are genuinely filled with joy for that person, but the sadness overwhelms the joy. And I have to be honest, that is what happened when my sister announced her second pregnancy.
You feel like you’re being left behind, like you are not worthy and like you are failing your duties as a human to bring other humans into the world. You feel like you are failing your family because you can’t bring them their grandchildren or nieces and nephews as easily.
It just all-round is not a good place to be in; to be the infertile family member…
So watching Ben having to sit and listen to Chris announce his great fertility broke my heart. I could see that desperation in his eyes for it to be him on the other side of the table, for him not to be left behind, for him not be a failure. (He is not a failure, but I know from our experience that that is what it can feel like.)
And I could see that for his family it was hard too. It is hard for our family. Because I know that all my family want to be so excited for my sister, which they are (!!!), but I can sense that they feel they have to hold it in when we are around. There is pure joy for them, but sorrow for us, and the two are hard to balance out.
I could see that Ben’s girlfriend was being so positive and optimistic for Chris, but I could see that through silence that was a tough moment for Ben. To realise that actually that place of infertility is a lonely place and that this isn’t something he was going to share with his brother.
So I’ll finish there. It was a painful watch because it is still all so raw for us, but truly it is one of the best programmes to be released for a while, to shed some light on this club that nobody wanted to be demoted to. So, go watch!
Journeying to Family 