I’m sure you’ll have seen several times in my blog that your good news is hard to hear and it’s even harder to see and hold your precious little one.
Please forgive me for this, but please allow me to explain this a little more for you.
Before I go any further, I want you to know that this is intended to be an open and honest reflection of what it is like to be the friend struggling with infertility. It hurts. And this is simply me saying it as it is. So please read this as just that; just someone struggling with infertility trying to share what goes on in the depths of our heart.
When someone is battling infertility and they hear of a pregnancy, it can be completely devastating. Not because your news is bad news, not because they don’t care and certainly not because they aren’t happy for you.
The sad reality of living with infertility is that joy can become few and far between, whereas darkness, depression and hurt can become you’re every day norm.
When I see or hear an announcement, the first thing that comes into my head isn’t, “Whaaat!? That is the BEST NEWS EVER!!! I am so thrilled and excited and cannot wait to meet your mini you! What an incredible piece of news!!!” Oh how I wish that was my first reaction. I am one of the more blessed people who knows truly how much this miracle of life really is.
But frustratingly, and I have to be honest, the thoughts that come into my mind are:
Why not me?
What did I do wrong?
Will it ever be me?
What did they get right that I got wrong?
This hurts.
Why do I have to suffer like this and they get to experience to joy that should come with trying to conceive?
I don’t think I can cope with this anymore.
This is not fair.
I am sorry if that sounds selfish. I guess in those moments we do become incredibly selfish. Because all we want is to experience what you have with ease. We want so desperately to be able to share with our closest friends and families, with the world on Instagram and Facebook about this joy! More than life itself, that’s all we want.
I’m sorry I can’t respond with joy straight away.
But please, please let me tell you this…
I could not be any happier for you. Really, I truly mean that! I am SO pleased and SO excited for you. It is just the sadness (and sometimes anger) overwhelms the joy and sometimes we need time to let the sadness be, before we can even contemplate expressing the joy.
Your pregnancy annoucnement may mean I need some time. It may mean that I don’t speak to you for a while or see you for a while or even congratulate you for a while.
It may even be that I can’t attend your baby shower. Now I love a baby shower! The joy and excitement is beautiful. But naturally most of the conversations will be about babies… and that’s tough for us to engage in right now.
If I am honest, the biggest reason why I may not come to your baby shower is because I care so much about you. I don’t want to get upset and take the attention off you. I don’t want you to have to worry about how your friend struggling with infertility is feeling. That is not fair. It is about you and only you. I am sorry if I don’t make it. But please still invite me!
You make think this is selfish of me and that I should just get over it. I wish so much that I could.
But please believe me when I say that my pain is (probably) more than yours is for me not being in touch as regularly.
The crushing feeling of Will it ever be me? makes it difficult to respond with joy, and I know that when I hear an announcement, which genuinely makes me feel even worse.
I wish so badly that my first response is joy. Nobody wishes sadness and anger over themselves.
Now I’m going to be really honest and lay it all out on the table… alongside infertility, there is usually also this nasty thing called jealousy.
I want what you have.
And it makes me so angry that we can’t just have it like most people can.
Jealously is not pretty and alongside the sadness and the anger, it makes me feel worse than I already did. The guilt is so real. I am so sorry.
More often than not, the daily bump updates, announcing that you finally bought your babies cot, that God has given you such a precious gift, that today you felt your baby kick harder than normal, that growing a human inside you proves how amazing and powerful your body is… all of that can make your infertile friends feel pretty inadequate.
It makes us wonder why we aren’t ‘blessed’ enough or maybe we aren’t ‘woman’ enough.
With that being said, I just want to pause for a moment to remind you that underneath it all, I truly am really pleased and excited for you! Sometimes your annoucements and bump pictures do actually give me hope. They allow me to dare, even just for a second, to believe that one day it could be us. One day we might get to tell our family that we are starting our very own family.
So please, please don’t stop sharing your elaborate annoucements or gender reveals, don’t stop expressing your joy and excitement for this actual real-life miracle growing inside of you. But do try to remember that probably, more than 1 of your 500+ followers will be part of the 1in8 couples who struggle with infertility. So try to post with sensitivity.
I want to finish off by sending love to everyone who has read this. Maybe you know me and have been pregnant but didn’t know my story; I am so pleased for you! Yes, it hurts but I’m excited for you. Please don’t worry or take offense in what I’ve said. Perhaps you’re reading this and it resonates because you are also part of the 1in8 club. You are loved, you are valued and you are more than enough. One day, when we hold our precious babies in our arms, we will be able to look back at all of this and know that we have a strength and courage that is unique and special that will carry us to places we could never dream of ❤
Journeying to Family 