Despite set back after set back, our clinic questioning whether I am safe to carry a baby because of my heart, the clinic (…well technically the anaesthetist who is from outside the clinic) still questioning it after we paid for a private cardiologist to review my case who said I was fine, and losing hope more times than I could possibly remember, we have finally been given a date for our IVF to begin.
And I couldn’t be more excited, terrified, hopeful, feeling like my hope is about to be snatched away from me, thankful, angry… and pretty much every other emotion going.
Now, I say I am excited and hopeful; I am! But I am cautiously excited and hopeful. After all of the ups and downs, the ‘not yet’s and the broken dreams, I think I’d be a fool to believe that this is it. I am holding that hope and excitement at arms length so that if it falls through again, it can be taken off me easily without a struggle or a fight.
I have hurt so much over the past 2 years and I can’t bare to put all of my hope onto this. I feel like I need to protect my heart (and my husband who has had to deal with a very up and down wife!).
BUT, for this moment right now, I am choosing to be excited and hopeful. I am choosing to believe that this is our time to conceive. This is our time for me to carry the overflow of our love in my womb and to birth our child. I really desperately hope this is our time to meet what it is we have been longing after for so long.
It must be our time to be released from some heartache and be able to walk into joy effortlessly, without having to try and find reasons to be joyful.
In this moment, I am so grateful to my God for carrying me through all of this so far. Never once has he left my side. Although the path has been rocky and I have struggled to get over the hurdles, he has always helped me.
I am also so grateful to my incredible husband and my wonderful family who have supported me through my darkest times and kept hope alive for us when we couldn’t see through the darkness that there actually still was, and always will be, hope.
Yes, this is great news! We will be starting our IVF journey within the next 7 weeks, but I am not naive to the fact that statistically, this is more likely to fail. So although it is good to hold onto hope, I must also be realistic that this might not work and our journey will continue.
I am scared. I am terrified. I have already had nightmares of not being able to inject myself or it not working or something going terribly wrong.
But I guess that is normal before any big, life-changing event? I am sure I remember several dreams where my wedding dress didn’t fit, or it ripped just outside the Church, or the groom was the wrong person, or Pete decided not to marry me.
Or the night before going back to school for a new year or new term, when every child rebels against me and the head teacher walks in as they’re all throwing tables and pushing me out the window because I’ve lost control….
So very normal.
Anyway, I have gone on a tangent.
This is exciting and terrifying news! My prayers are now that this would go ahead as planned and would be successful .
Journeying to Family 