Today, the last remaining piece of the ‘dream puzzle’ got taken away from me. I didn’t lose it, it wasn’t my responsibility. It has been taken away from me.
Since being a child, there were a number of parts of the puzzle to my family dream. The ease of conceiving, the super fertility between my husband and I, and many other parts of this dream has slowly been taken away from me. The final part that I could hold on to was that I might have a child by 30. Ideally I wanted all of my children by my 30th, but that became apparently quickly that it wouldn’t happen. ‘Ok, well as long as I have at least 1 child by 30, that would be great,’ I thought…
In February, I thought this dream was lost. Then things moved a little quicker so I thought it could still happen. But then Covid-19 happened and all fertility clinics shut. Dream was over again. But then we had our consultation with our clinic and and she explained it would move quite quickly when clinics reopen… and within a couple of weeks our clinic was allowed to reopen. So again, my dream seemed a little more realistic, despite hurtling towards the ‘deadline’ for when my final dream could come true.
However, today the clinic emailed me to say that “it may be sometime before your treatment will begin…”
I am devastated. Absolutely gutted.
The toughest part of this to accept is that if Covid-19 wasn’t a thing, we would be going through IVF right now, and stand a higher chance of conceiving, to have a child by my 30th.
But instead, I’m having to lay the last part of my dream aside and wait as God gives me something different. Not the dream I had, but something He says will be even better.
A couple of people have said that God’s timing is perfect and that our child(ren) will come in His timing. I believe this is true but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that that is an incredibly painful, if not one of the most painful parts of being a Christian.
This song is my prayer right now, because I am struggling. Anyone, not just Christians, struggle to let go of a dream. I am finding it hard to trust Him and to have faith in Him. He has never, ever failed me and in every single situation, He has turned up and been there with me, fighting the battle for me. But I still struggle.
Journeying to Family 