Today I am really struggling.
I want to cry, scream, sleep, eat, hide, run away. Everything.
I’ve really struggled all day. And do you know what has triggered it?
Not much. Just a parent of a pupil making an off comment. Making me feel like they could do my job better.
And I have completely crumbled.
It makes no sense as yesterday we had a call to say we have our first IVF appointment at our chosen clinic in 5 days time. We are beyond lucky as it is still lockdown due to Covid-19. We know this means treatment wont start for a long time and until after the virus has settled down, but we are so glad to get the ball rolling. Yesterday, I felt joy and excitement about all of this.
But today, 1 parent comment and a feeling of overwhelmed-ness with everything I need to do during lockdown, has literally turned me 180° towards the other direction.
All I wanted to do earlier was get out this house, into my car and just drive away somewhere on my own. But I can’t do that right now.
And all inside me is just hurting.
I hate this place I’m in. God only knows how much I want to be out of this dark place. My heart aches for something more and my head is going at 300mph going through this scenario we find ourselves in.
Sometimes anger just rises up and I have no idea where it comes from. And who bares the brunt of it? My dear, lovely husband. I feel for him being stuck with someone like me sometimes. He doesn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t be having to try and help someone make a simple decision, knowing that at any point I could break. He shouldn’t be having to deal with someone walking around the house like Eeyore on a very bad day.
I’ll end here. I just needed to get out of my head what is going on inside there.
*Side note – if you’re a parent already (lucky you, you are very blessed), you child’s teacher will be working their absolute hardest in ways you will never, ever see and in ways that your child will never know about. If they are a teacher like me, they will cry at home when they wonder if they could’ve done more. They will not sleep through the night because they are worrying about the children in their class. They care more for your child than you could ever think. Be kind to their teacher. You have no idea what your words mean to them. You have no idea what is going on in their lives, what they are keeping hidden behind the smiles they paint across their faces all day, every day to try and keep your child happy. You have no idea. So choose your words wisely, speak to them like a human being and be grateful for all that you see them do, and all that you don’t.*
Journeying to Family 