My husband, my absolute rock and my very, very best friend. I said in a previous post that I would write one about him and so here it is. Not just because I like talking about him – because I totally do – but because throughout our journey of TTC and sharing our broken family dreams, he has been truly incredible.
Since the day we we married, our lives have not been plain sailing. We have been thrown a lot of hurdles to overcome, most of which have remained very private to us and only a few chosen people know the extent of what we have been through. But through each and every hurdle we have become stronger together as a couple and as individuals. There is no one I would rather go through suffering with than this wonderful man.
When I decided that I would come off the pill over 3 years ago, Pete didn’t question me once or try to change my mind. He knew that I wasn’t allowed on the normal pill because of the health risk it posed to me (it gave me migraines with aura which meant I was at a higher risk of having a stroke) despite it controlling my periods and taking away any pain. But when I was on the mini pill, it messed up my cycles and caused me a lot of pain and a lot of breakthrough bleeding. No pill worked for me and it was causing me a lot of frustrations and pain. But it protected us from pregnancy! Yay! Or so we thought.
So Pete accepted that I would come off the pill without trying to persuade me otherwise. We weren’t actively ‘trying’ when I came off the pill. But when we did make the decision to actively start TTC, we were in a strong place and ready to do the parenting thing together.
After just a few months of trying, I was already worrying that something was wrong. When others who hadn’t been trying for as long as us, or even at all, started getting pregnant, I think then Pete, who is so incredibly calm and laid back most of the time, started worrying too. But he always reminded me to look at things with perspective.
When it came to a year of actively TTC, I was a mess. It was almost 3 years since I came off the pill and we had been trying every method known to woman-kind to conceive naturally. I was a broken mess. We knew we would need medical help which is hard to accept. Pete was the one who booked the doctor’s appointment and Pete was also the one who spoke at the appointment too. He carried me through that difficult hurdle and helped hold me together when I thought I as falling apart.
Little did we know that this would just be the start of a long, even more difficult and painful journey. Throughout all of this, including my irrational, angry outbursts aimed at Pete; my sudden, inconsolable tears; the times I’ve kept him awake late into the night or woken him in the early hours just to talk about all the unknowns which I am trying to resolve for us; when nothing he could say or do would be the ‘right’ thing or would help me…. Throughout all of this, Pete has been there beyond anything I could’ve dreamt my husband would do for me.
I remember so many times where I have just cried. Usually out of nowhere and for no particular reason, I have just needed to sob. He has never told me to stop and has always sat and held me. Pete is a typical man (sorry men!) who doesn’t understand or get female emotions. Sometimes he has needed some prompting from me that I need him at that moment and he has put down what he is doing – usually playing Fortnite or some sort of cricket game on the X-Box – and has just held me, sat with me and carried on loving me despite the snotty, weeping mess I have become.
I do feel for him because it can be so sporadic that he probably sometimes thinks I am having a good day when all of a sudden Niagara Falls starts falling from my eyes and he has had no warning to get himself ready for the support he is about to need to give.
But he always gives it. I do remember nearer the start of our journey TTC, Pete would sometimes pick up his phone when I felt I wasn’t finished with my emotions yet, or he’d look at what was happening on the TV or something like that. And I would go mad! Like crazy mad! How dare he pick up his phone and start scrolling Facebook or check his WhatsApp or…the worst…start watching a ridiculous video really loud while I wasn’t finished. How dare he! Could he not see how much I was hurting and needed him right at that moment even though I stopped crying 10 minutes ago and haven’t said a word since? I would be livid. Even though he has spent 30 minutes consoling me, I have not given him permission to stop. And this would cause even more anger for me.
We are both different and respond to our emotions differently. All we needed was to tell each other the kind of support we needed. Since then, Pete will drop everything and gives me what I need. We had never been in this situation before so neither of us knew what we needed. But as soon as we did know, that’s what we have been able to give each other.
And I can say with every inch of my being, my husband has been there for me in ways I could never imagine anyone would ever want to do for me.
He makes me laugh too. There are times when I have looked back over the previous few weeks and realised I haven’t properly smiled or laughed without forcing it. But he seems to make me laugh. My tummy hurts from laughing with him and my cheeks hurt from smiling. He is the only one who can bring me this joy when the place we find ourselves in is actually more excruciating than we knew was possible.
He accepts that my mental health means that right now I can’t keep up with everything that needs to be done, even the basics like making sure there is food for us to eat, or keeping the house tidy and clean. He lets me spend money on takeaways because he knows my head can’t handle thinking about what we will eat (He doesn’t expect me to cook by the way! This is when he has been out late working or hockeying so it would be unfair for me to expect him to come home and cook for me, though often he will :D!).
If you are going through infertility, or have ever done any reading about it, one thing that is often mentioned is the strain it can have on the marriage or relationship of the couple. This is one part of our journey that seems to be different.
We have seen our relationship become stronger and we have become so much closer in our marriage and friendship with one another.
I can honestly say that since the moment I first started dating Pete, right now as I type this, I have never been more in love with him. I find myself every day falling more and more in love with him, and every time he holds me, comforts me, picks me up, tells me I am beautiful even with a blotchy, teary face, I find myself amazed at this beautiful soul that that is a part of my husband.
And he is mine!
But I need to be honest and say I can see why infertility causes a strain on relationships. We have had our tiffs and fall outs during this season. I have had to hold myself back from hurtling nasty words at Pete during an angry rage that stems from the jealousy of ease that most people have while TTC. But I don’t know why for us, it has been different. We have become closer and more in love. I don’t know why for some couples it tears them apart. We don’t have anything that they don’t have. There is nothing that means we should have it different.
But hand on my heart, I know that what we have been through before has helped us. We see things differently since then and I think that has supported us during this time. Our hearts had a very special connection having been through trauma before which can only have helped us.
The most important thing that I think has helped us has been our faith. There has been times where I have doubted, where the thought of praying to a God who doesn’t appear to be stepping in and changing our situation seems like too much, but my incredible husband has taken that on for me and has helped me cling on to my faith. He has reminded me of how loyal our God has been to us in the past and that He won’t let us down now.
Pete, my love, when you read this, I hope that through the soppiness (which I know you’ll hate!), you will see how much I love you. More than anything, in the whole wide world, more than ever. You are my very best friend and the only person who I’d wish to be going through this with. Thank you for your unconditional support, for holding me and letting me soak your shoulder with my tears, for the phone calls to the doctors when I can’t do it anymore, for your patience when I am unbearable, for understanding me when I make no sense, for accepting that right now I may be a little more irrational than normal, for reminding me of how God loves us, and most importantly, loving me even when I am very unloveable.
You are going to be the best father in the world and I cannot wait for the day that our children look up in their daddy’s eyes and see how much he loves them and how he fought for them. They are going to be the most blessed children in the world to have you as their daddy.
You’re the best ❤
Journeying to Family 