Just when I thought I was beginning to feel better, a little brighter in myself, to the point that I was happy and excited to go to a baby shower tomorrow, I have fallen apart again. And had to pull out of the baby shower to celebrate my soon-to-be-here niece.
Since we had our appointment moved to even sooner, it has felt like the ground beneath my feet has been shaking me and I am unable to control myself. I genuinely thought I was on the up, but that meant a bigger fall at the end.
This morning I had to wake my husband up because I was sobbing uncontrollably in bed. I am just really, really hurting and my heart aches and aches and aches as it longs to love something more than what I already have. If I could do anything to look into the future to see how much longer I have to get through this, I would literally do anything.
I said to my husband this morning that I don’t think I can do this anymore; I don’t think I can face what we are about to go through. I can’t even handle it now, what will happen if it doesn’t work?
This is just a pretty daunting time and I am really scared.
I am scared of the injections, of missing school, of failing my pupils, of the pain, of the swollen stomach, of people ‘talking’ about me, of people assuming my stomach growing is a sign of my pregnancy that I must be hiding, of not being able to explain how I feel, of it failing, of being childless for the rest of our lives.
I am just scared that I won’t be able to handle it and I will fall apart.
I think this up and down is normal for people going through this and I have been reassured by my counsellor to ‘ride the waves’ of the emotions and give myself permission to do what I need to do and be.
From experience, I know that if I would have bottled up my emotions today, it would have only come up another time and even more, and probably much more aggressively too.
I’ve also read on a lot of blogs that it’s ok to feel this way and to let it out. So that is what I am learning. It is ok that every part of me hurts, because this is a painful place to be in; it is ok to be scared, because this is a terrifying situation to be in and to face; it is ok to say no to events and occasions that might cause me more pain, because, well just because.
So I guess if you’re reading this and are in the same pain that I am in, give yourself permission to hurt, to cry, to scream, to be angry and do what you need to. But it is important that we still look to find where we can find joy.
Journeying to Family 