Something so often said to us but something I don’t want to hear. I don’t want to wait. I don’t know why I have to wait and most other couples (7 out 8) don’t have to wait. Why me? Why us? Why did God choose us as the couple amoungst our friends who have to wait?
Waiting is so completely painful. We all have to wait for things in life. Sadly, in my life I have to wait for a lot of things because my husband comes from a line of late people, so often I find myself ‘waiting’ for him to be ready. Before that, I came from a family who are also often late too, so I remember many a time waiting for them.
We all have to wait for different things and I am sure that I wouldn’t find many people who enjoy waiting…or at least would jump at the chance of having to wait for something they so eagerly desire for a very long time.
When people tell me it will be worth the wait, I usually know that they didn’t have to wait long for what it is I am longing after. So how can they tell me that? How can they compare their wait to mine*? I sometimes feel like we (as humans) just use that phrase because we don’t know what else to say, so it becomes something to fill the awkwardness when someone is letting you in on their pain and you can’t relate so you say the first thing that comes to mind.
(*As I said, we all have things to wait for. People may – most likely are – using the phrase because they have had to wait for something else completely different so probably aren’t comparing it to the time they had to wait for a baby, but when I am in this place, this is what it feels like. Forgive me if that offended you!)
And I know that when people use the phrase It will be worth it they mean it with every ounce of love they have, and not to upset me.
It doesn’t actually upset me that people say it, even I say it! Because ultimately I know that when (if) I give birth to our children and I hear them take their first breath as they scream and they look into my eyes for the first time and I get to hold them close to my chest, I know that in that very moment, every single tear, heart-break, depressive thought, anger, jealous thought, utter hopelessness and despair, absolutely all of that will be worth the wait.
But I don’t want to wait. Not when I look around and see every other female pregnant or with their children. I don’t want to have to go through all of that when others don’t have to. Having to wait is completely unfair.
Another thing I find difficult about this saying is that our wait may never be over. We may have numerous rounds of IVF and continue trying naturally in between. But we may never get there. Which make it less of a “It’ll worth the wait…” and more of a “It could be worth the wait…”
And that is a pretty painful reality to get your head around.
As I come to the end of this post, I am reminded of a verse from the Bible that is particularly comforting when I think about the waiting. I know that, whatever the outcome of all of this, whatever is waiting for us at the end of our own waiting, is something that God has ordained for us. Whether that it our own biological children or whether that is adopting children to become our own, I know that it will all be worth it, because what He has in store for us will be far greater than anything could plan for ourselves. Even if it is a painful journey to get there.
All that being said, I still don’t want to have to ‘wait’.
Journeying to Family 