So, my husband and I decided that we needed a few days away from the world so we booked ourselves a couple of nights at a beautiful spa hotel way away from where we lived. Life in the last 6/12/18 etc months has just been really, really hard. Feb half term holidays were coming up so we thought it would be good to just have some time literally doing nothing but going to the spa (& crocheting for me!). It was perfect.
Except for Mother Nature also showing up at the same hotel about an hour after we arrived. Not so perfect and this visit was really pretty excruciating, but she made me feel less bad about just lazing in bed with a hot water bottle and actually, for once, properly relaxing.
We had a wonderful couple of days and it gave us time to just be. It was nice to just be able to talk through little things in our heads about our upcoming IVF appointment and how we are feeling. I have said all along that I just want to get started on IVF as my head feels in the right place for it and while we were away, this is totally how I felt.
That was until our appointment was moved to two weeks earlier…. So instead of it being 10th March, it is now 25th Feb. The date this happened was 18th Feb…. So a week before the new appointment.
Now, this was our choice. We were given the option of moving it to earlier as an appointment had become available or keep the original one (which, if you remember from a previous post, was a miracle in itself!). Pete had absolutely no reservations about taking the closer appointment and I just wanted to make sure it was the same kind of appointment with the same consultant and it was confirmed that it will be. Great!
Except that suddenly I felt, once again, completely overwhelmed. I was absolutely not happy about it being moved, but I also wasn’t un-happy about it being moved either. It really is great that it’s now even sooner, meaning I will know a little more about what is going on sooner (wonderful news for my over-thinking, over-analysing brain).
But I felt completely unsettled. My husband has told me that for that whole day (the call was about 9.15am on the last morning of our spa hotel break) I was ‘off’. And very angry.
I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t in control, or because I am just genuinely terrified, or maybe because it gives me less time to mentally prepare; I don’t know. But I just know that it shook me up and has suddenly become even more real.
When we told a few people about our change in appointment, we had responses like, “Oh that’s great news!”, “That’s so exciting!!”, “One day closer to baby!” All of these are 100% true. I am excited about what could come out of this.
But mostly, I am terrified. Right now, I am struggling to see any positive. I think for so long this has been such a painful experience that it is hard to see any good, even though I am desperately trying.
Journeying to Family 