Today, after 4 days of cramps, pre-period spotting, and 2 pregnancy tests because, like every month, I convinced myself that the pre-period spotting and cramps were early pregnancy symptoms, my period has arrived.
I’m devastated. Absolutely heart-broken yet again. I really thought this would be the month.
But I’m also really angry at myself because this happens every month. Every. Single. Month.
It’s the same story. A new month starts, I feel hopeful, we get it on, we do everything by the book, my fertile days end, I panic that we haven’t done enough, I feel a twinge here and there, I convince myself I’m pregnant, then I realise that’s a stupid thought, of course I’m not pregnant, then I re-convince myself I am, then tell myself off again, that happens several times, sometimes I take a test, other times I don’t, then my period arrives and completely breaks me. I loose all hope and fall apart.
This hurts so much. Physically the cramps are excruciating and have been for a few days even before my period arrives. But emotionally it’s turmoil.
And nothing anyone can do or say will make me feel any better.
It feels like all my dreams have fallen apart, again. Like there is not a chance in this world that we will ever have a child. Like there is no hope.
And through my tears as I type this and through my heartache, I have to remind myself that my body is working. It is doing what it should do. It is shedding the stuff I don’t need anymore in order to make way for a new egg and a new chance. I must keep clinging onto that, that there is hope for us.
But no matter how much (or little) hope there is, it doesn’t take the pain away right now.
For anyone else reading this and knowing this hurt right now, I am so sorry. It hurts and it is not fair.
Journeying to Family 