In a recent post, I explained that my results have all come back clear but my husband’s came back showing low morphology (the shape, size and overall quality of the sperm). Our GP explained he’d need the test repeated again and she reassured us that it would probably come back as all clear which would mean we would fall into the ‘unexplained infertility’ category.
He had his second test and the results came back quickly. It reaffirmed the first results. The morphology is very low. This is a clear indicator of why we are struggling to conceive.
Long before we were ever trying to start a family, I had always heard of infertility. Never, ever, did I imagine that it would be something I would have to deal with. I thought it meant something was wrong with the woman’s reproductive organs and she couldn’t have children. That is all I thought it was.
So when we started struggling to conceive, I thought straight away that it was because my body wasn’t working the way it should. I piled copious amounts of blame and hatred on myself and fell apart.
But then I had clear results and my husband didn’t.
Male infertility? What is that? I genuinely didn’t even ever think of this or know it was a thing really.
But suddenly this is our reality.
But I can’t get my head around it or even use it to describe our situation.
For me, it is not a case of my husband being infertile. WE are infertile. This is really important to me.
I have suffered for months and months and months with a full heart full of blame towards myself. I was genuinely scared, terrified even, that if it turned out to be a problem with the sperm, that I would turn that blame towards my husband.
But for some reason, it never happened. The moment we found out that there is an issue with the sperm, I felt completely no blame. It immediately hit me that there is no need to blame any one of us. He didn’t ask God politely to be blessed with low-quality sperm. He didn’t do anything in a previous life to ‘deserve’ it. He has done absolutely nothing that has resulted in this.
It just is what it is.
And, although we will be honest with the morphology, I will always make it clear that we are infertile.
To me, it sounds incredibly blame-ish to use the terms female infertility and male infertility in our situation. We love, adore, each other and we are on this journey together. It is our duties as husband and wife to protect each other and so I will always say that we are suffering with infertility, not he.
This journey is ours, so this infertility is ours.
Journeying to Family 