It’s just gone midnight, I came to bed almost 2 hours ago and I’ve been laying here since. Today this battle, journey, experience – whatever you want to call it – feels a bit too much.
I am so tired, so, so tired. Physically I’m shattered from not sleeping, emotionally I’m drained beyond words, spiritually I’m also exhausted.
This is a long and very painful journey. The thing that scares me the most is this could just be the beginning. Our journey to family could be 10, 20x what we have already had with even more heartache, disappointment and frustration.
We have often said that if God could just give us an idea of what was going to happen, that’d be great. If we knew that in 5 years we will concieve naturally or through clomid or IVF or however, but until then it will be nothing, then fine, we can accept that and get on with our lives.
Sadly that’s not how this faith thing works.
And we have to just get on with our lives not knowing what even the next month or step of our journey will bring.
Every. Single. Month.
The thought of doing this for even one more month is too much for me right now. The thought of it being 5 more months, 20 more months, 50 more months is unbearable. And not just months, but periods too.
It hurts. It is agony to not know whether we are dealing with a ‘when’ or an ‘if’.
As I’m lay here feeling pretty low and questioning the fairness of everything, I just needed a quick break from writing so I had a little scroll through facebook…
This is what so timely appeared….
I don’t feel strong. I feel quite weak actually. At any given moment, my volcanic emotions feel ready to erupt and I have to use any strength I do have to just fight back the tears. I want to run and hide. Sometimes I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like giving up on everything, all the time. I even ask if all of this, if trying for a baby, is really worth it in the end? And that is a terrifying question to ask.
Yet, every day, week, month, I do carry on. We carry on. We carry on striving towards our goal of having our own precious little family. So when I ‘show up every day’, I guess there is a little bit of strength left in me that I didn’t know I had.
The most beautiful thing is that some of that strength comes from my future children, knowing one day I will (hopefully) hold them in my arms, help them to walk, teach them to dance (again, hopefully!), support them through life crisis’ and even marry and have their own children. That gives me so much strength.
But as a Christian, most of my strength comes from God. My favourite book of the bible is Isaiah and these are some of my favourite verses:
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah 40:29-31
This is good for my soul to hear.
I started this post feeling like this was all too much. Now it just feels like a lot. We can get through it all and we will. We just have to keep on trying, no matter how much pain, disappointment or frustration we feel, we keep going. We also keep trusting and we keep hoping even though that doesnt mean it will be easy or that we will get the outcome we want.
And on that note, it’s even more past midnight now, so I’m going to finish there with another gem of hopefulness.
Journeying to Family 