Why have I started this blog?

Infertility is real. It is so real. And it is real in a way that I never, ever wanted to experience. It’s also real in a way that I never expected either.

Hopefully, and I am saying this through a heart and mind that is struggling to hold onto any hope at the moment, you are reading this because we have found out we are pregnant.

It could be the case that we still aren’t pregnant but decided we wanted to make our journey known. But hopefully, because we are.

I cannot announce our pregnancy without acknowledging the journey we have been on. It would not be fair of me to only show the joy and to hide away the suffering we have been through. If you are on that same, heart-wrenching journey, I hear you, I get you, I know how you are feeling.

I wanted to record parts of our journey so that people in a similar situation to us know they are not alone. If you are reading this and we have announced we are pregnant, please, please, please know that this has not been an easy journey. In fact, this has been the toughest, most painful, heartbreaking and sometimes debilitating journey I have ever been on. We are hopefully (there’s that word again!) rejoicing in being pregnant but I promise you all, in our rejoicing, there is not a part of me that has or will ever forget the journey we have been on and the journey that others are still on.

I know the crushing in your heart, the sickness in your stomach, the hatred of yourself in every part of your body that overcomes you when someone announces their pregnancy. It is a feeling I cannot even begin to describe but if you’ve struggled in this too, then I know you know what I am talking about.

I can almost hear the “It’s not fair…” cries and the “When will it be my turn?” questions. Let me tell you, IT IS NOT FAIR. Nothing about infertility is fair. There is not one moment in our journey where I have thought, “Ah, this seems fair.” Never. I don’t know why people who had been trying for less time than us got pregnant quicker or even straight away. I don’t know why people who weren’t even trying at all, got pregnant. And I cannot even get my head around those on contraception getting pregnant. It all seems so unfair. When we have been trying, and trying, and trying, and using everything (supplements, lubes, positions, BBT tracking, apps…literally everything you can think of) but still getting nothing back from it all, how is that fair?

There are times when I have needed a reality check. Yes, it is so unfair that our journey is not as simple as I had always dreamt of, it is not fair that other people just need to look at their partner and end up pregnant. But when I step back and look at my life, I see how I am incredibly blessed in other ways.

I have a husband who I love and loves me too. I have an incredible family, like beyond incredible, who have been there for me through all of this. I know Jesus. My friends are just the most wonderful friends in the world. I live in a country with free healthcare (for now anyway…) which saved my life through open heart surgery at 5 months old. It is likely that in the near future, we will have to used that free healthcare for a free round of IVF to help us have a child. I have a career which brings in a steady income that helps support our living. I have a mortgage and a roof over my head. Most of my family are still living. I am able bodied. I can travel the world whenever I want. I have food to eat at every mealtime. I am so blessed. So, so, so blessed.

It is strange that despite all of those blessings, they are sort of hidden behind a dark sheet of pain and hopelessness when you’re facing infertility (or any other traumatic situations). If you are going through that right now, like I am, then I would encourage you to make of list of what you have to be thankful for. But also know that it is okay, absolutely okay to feel the way you do.

So ultimately, the reason I wanted to start this blog was so that when I become pregnant, I am able to show the true journey it has been for us, to acknowledge that behind the joy of this new life that there hopefully is, there has been a lot of pain. If we aren’t pregnant, maybe I just got fed up with the, “When will it be your turn?”, “When do you think you’ll have a baby?” or “Don’t you want kids?” kind of questions. Or perhaps I just wanted to shed some light on where we are at and how we are feeling right now.