The text read, “The result of your recent test is normal. No further action is needed at this stage.”
This was 2 hours after my final initial tests (the internal and external scans) and it was lunchtime at school. I read the text and was confused. Why or how could they be telling me the results so soon? They said it would take 7 days. I phoned up to check which results the text was about, after all, I had had so many recently it could’ve been about any. They confirmed it. All of my tests were clear.
I was confused. I thought I should be happy. That’s what everyone hopes for; clear results.
It was the end of lunch so I didn’t have time to call or text my husband or family.
The kids came in, I taught them despite my mind being absolutely nowhere near what I was actually doing.
After school, I held it together when colleagues were talking to me and we were planning our lessons together.
Then I drove home and called my husband as I always do. He didn’t answer. So I called my mum and she asked how it went and I told her the results. “Well that is great news!” she said.
I fell apart.
I literally couldn’t hold it together.
My mum had to tell me to pull over and stop driving because I could barely breathe through the tears.
I realised in that moment that I was devastated, absolutely crushed, that my results had come back clear.
Of course it makes no sense to most people, but when your heart is breaking every day you aren’t pregnant, and when every period arrives, your dreams feel further and further away, you become pretty desperate for there to be a reason to your despair.
Infertility is horrible. But unexplained infertility is even worse (imo). Of all people with infertility, 20-30% of those people receive a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. The statistic is that couples with unexplained infertility only have a 1-4% chance of getting pregnant naturally each cycle. It is devastating.
I wanted so badly to have a reason for not having children yet. I can’t get my head around not being able to have children naturally (or biologically) for no reason whatsoever. But to have an excuse might soften the blow a little. It would make it more understandable and easier to explain to people why we have no children.
From that moment, it felt like my world crumbled.
My mental health deteriorated pretty quickly. No matter how much people encouraged me, reminded me of the hope I was supposedly clinging onto, or just loved me, I couldn’t focus on anything.
The worst times were when I was at home on my own. The smallest thing would make me fall apart and make me feel a failure and cause me to crumple up into a little pile of pathetic-ness, sobbing on the floor.
One of those times was when the hoover wouldn’t work. I was alone. I tried to fix it but it just would not work. I completely lost it. I was broken. Absolutely broken and falling more and more apart.
I was angry. So angry. Angry at God for allowing me to go through this after everything else I have been through (there’s been a lot but now’s not the time). But even more, I was angry at myself and at my body for not allowing me what I was put on this Earth for. How dare my body go against what I was so desperately working towards?
I punched myself in the stomach a few times because it isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing and got to the point where I was sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to think it would be easier if I wasn’t around. I don’t quite know what that meant. It wasn’t a suicidal thing but just a wish to not be here right now. The pain was too much.
It was at that moment I realised I needed to see someone. Counsellors should be more recognised for what they do. They are amazing. Incredible.
I couldn’t carry on the way I was and letting my thoughts go off like that. Because that happened more than once.
It is important to recognise the triggers. One of mine was being on my own. When Pete is around, I still fall apart but not as bad. He is able to catch me before I fall too deep and that really helps. When I was at a low point, he went up North for the weekend and I knew I’d be on my own. I went out for a friend’s birthday but I didn’t want to go home to an empty house. My in-laws were amazing and let me go and stay at their home for the night. Learning my triggers were important to help me avoid those really low moments.
The ultimate trigger was learning of my clear results which couldn’t be avoided. I wasn’t expecting the way I’d fall apart at clear results but it happened. It hurt. But I got through it.
And now we just had to wait for my husband’s results…
Journeying to Family 